How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
