Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
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