i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
