I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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