anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
There's always time for handjobs
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
