pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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