Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Who wears a wallet chain?!
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Randomize
