My friends, they love my intelligence
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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