my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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