"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
