Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
He felt like a one man threesome
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Randomize
