I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Randomize
