Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
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