I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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