I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
