I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
