I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Alive.
So much puke
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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