Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
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