My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
