My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
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