I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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