I showed him my bush... on skype.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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