The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
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