did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
