I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Randomize
