Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
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