I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
