I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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