I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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