the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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