my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Randomize
