I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
