do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
