so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
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