i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
