Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
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