I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I stole a fireplace last night.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
