I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
