I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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