I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
you would pick up someone in the library
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Randomize
