are you still at the devil's house?
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Randomize
