I feel like I'm in dance class right now
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
