She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
