whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
