omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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