just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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