Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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