if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
