I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
