dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
