I am in a vortex of obligation.
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
