i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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