Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
