my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
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